G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) Review

G.I. Joe: Retaliation walks the thin line between awful and entertaining. Its plot, actors and dialogue is awful! However the action, visuals and style are a vast improvement over the first film. Go watch this film walk the tight rope whilst firing big guns. The rock is the best thing in this but his lines are as awful as you’d imagine. The villain is looking pretty cool but for fun I would have loved the Cobra Commanders voice to be just like the cartoons one, if you didn’t see it as a kid do a quick YouTube search because it’s really funny. Anyway enjoy the review because I laughed continuously when watching the film.

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The Joes are framed for stealing nuclear warheads from Pakistan by Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) who is impersonating the President of the United States (Jonathan Pryce). The entire team is eliminated in a military strike, with Duke (Channing Tatum) as one of the casualties. Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Flint (D.J. Cotrona) and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) are the only survivors. Framed for crimes against the country, the G.I. Joe team is terminated by the President’s order, and the surviving team members face off against Zartan, his accomplices, and the world leaders he has under his influence.

Tim’s Film Reviews Maybe Recommended

Story: 30% Acting: 15% Characters: 45% Dialogue: 20%

Action/Adventure: 80% Style/Sound: 85% Visuals: 95%

Total: 52%

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The story is barely better than the first but points for trying really really hard (failed but tried). Terrible acting! Worst thing is I have seen some of them at least act better before, not here at all. Funilly enough the acting just bad but the characters are somehow better than the first film, I am not sure how but I didn’t hate any of them laughed a lot though. The dialogue is just unbelievable, I gave it 20% for the sheer fun I had watching the cringe worthy actors delivering it mwahahaha. Dialogue highlights (lol) where first meeting with “Joe” aka Bruce Willis just sad and funny at the same time, oh and the blind samurai master aka RZA or the worst actor EVER! Seriously why?!

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The action was pretty good, I mean laughable but still fun to watch the pretty explosions. It was pretty well paced and didn’t linger to long in one scene. The style of this film very improved from whatever the hell the first one had, the music was also improved as well as sound effects especially gun shots which sounded a lot more realistic. The visuals where a great bump up from the last film, away with the crazy piece of shit robot suits (WTF was that?) and in with the real body armour and guns that either exist or look like they might exist. On that weapon that is used by cobra, don’t really care about the only victim being London (I do) but I did find it really weird that the UK representative didn’t even react to his capital being destroyed however the Indian one seemed really angry. Nothing in that scene made any sense. Cobra Commander did look pretty snappy though.


The best reviews I found would be these “The filmmakers appear to have handed a dozen or so G.I. Joe dolls to a 9-year-old, watched him play for 110 minutes, and then shot a scene-for-scene remake” Peter Hartlaub. “What a blast G.I. Joe: Retaliation is! And then another blast, and another, in a series of concussive jolts that shred any conventional sense of story as thoroughly as anything since the last Michael Bay film” Liam Lacey. “Tea Party paranoia about Obama’s alien identity and fascist agenda apparently motivated this disappointing sequel, which pits the Joes against an impostor U.S. president (Jonathan Pryce) working for the evil forces of Cobra” John Beifuss.

My favourite scene would have to be when all the Joes died haha…Death. I laughed at most of this film, especially anything trying to be serious.

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About Tim The Film Guy

Very opinionated about films!

13 responses to “G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) Review”

  1. markmc2012 says :

    The first film stunk…like really bad. It made most 80’s action films look like they had sould and heart, yes it really was that bad.


  2. Wordschat says :

    I didn’t know who half the.characters were but the cliff scenes made Touching the Void look like mole hill. I still have vertigo. Liked how they figured out it was a fake president. So the story had some smarts with the action. Good review, knockem dead Tim.


  3. Hypersonic55 says :

    I love how you said your favourite scene involved the death of all the joes, you my friend are funny. This film wasn’t completeky terrible like the first film however I don’t think I’d willingly go and watch it again.


  4. Nostra says :

    I agree with you, really horrible movie…love those quotes from other reviewers…very funny…and right!


  5. filmhipster says :

    “My favourite scene would have to be when all the Joes died.”

    SEE, this is why I follow your blog religiously. Because you tell the truth man. The truth!


  6. Erik says :

    Good review! Just about watchable. And yes, London is bombed but life goes on…..I expected a little bit more reaction, especially from the PM.lol


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